God's Timing

Note: I found this entry recently while writing another post...I had forgotten to finish it, so I added the Things I have learned section....but I still did not know how to end it. Here it is in all of its incomplete splendor, with a recent picture of Nick and I! :)

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Some may think that God's timing is completely unpredictable. Others might think that it matches their own time line for when things are "supposed" to happen. Me? I firmly believe that God's timing is ALWAYS best, no matter what else is going on in my life. It might be unpredictable, and sometimes things happen directly in line with when I think it should happen. But, no matter WHEN it does take place, it always turns out to be the best timing in the long run.

I am subsequently amazed (and ashamed) at myself when I worry so much about the future; when I think so much about what has not even happened yet. When I let go and give it to God, He always gives me a lesson, showing me that if I had just left the future in His hands to begin with, I need not have worried at all!

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(Photo: Nick and I; February 2009)

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Things I have learned:

Lesson #1-Family is one of the most important things you will ever know.
Lesson #2-Friends help you keep your sanity when life is crazy.
Lesson #3-People will always have things to say...sometimes the most influence is found in what they do not say.
Lesson #4-Pray before the worry sets in...you will find that anxiety has a hard time rearing its ugly head if you pray.
Lesson #5-"Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness..." (Matthew 6:33a)

God is Good.

There can be no more denying. I am every day astounded by what I find out about my Creator God - my Savior. Recently, I have realized that God wants us to find true joy, but that it is not dependent on our circumstances. A lot of things in this life are stupid. Satan seems to be working harder by the hour to get us to deny our Father in heaven in exchange for temporary happiness here on earth. And all too often, he seems to succeed in his endeavors.

One of my friends is struggling with some real issues and every time I talk to them about these struggles, it makes me sad. If only they knew, realized, and understood that nothing can take us away from the love of God (Romans 8). That text was quoted in a letter they received anonymously with a bouquet of white flowers and I think that it is so true. So many times, we fall under the false conception that we are too horrible, too sinful, to be possibly loved by a perfect Being - God, our Father. We have done too many bad things to be worthy of the love of God. But, in Romans, Paul encourages us to to think otherwise:
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:38-39).

If only we truly took those verses to heart and realized that no matter what we do, God can and will never stop loving us with an undying, unwavering love that surpasses everything else. If He chose to stop loving us, He would no longer be Love.

"If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world, we are like Him . . . We love because He first loved us" (1 John 4:15-17, 19).

God is love. Whoever denies this, the love of God is not in him. Believe that you are loved, with a complete and perfect love. Believe, so that joy may abound! :)

Even so, come quickly Lord Jesus!

(Photo: University Church at Sunset, December 2008)

I Serve a Loving God

I wonder what makes the heart change its beat. Does God exchange the pacemaker that makes it beat so? or is it a genetic alteration? something that happens when the right circumstances come along; in the right environment; enabling the heart to grow and change? I wonder...

(Photo: Boise, Idaho; November 27, 2008)

God, give me passion, give me purpose, lead me in Your way and help me figure my life (as it is) out, without trying to have others decide for me. As Natalie Grant says, "Awaken me." I long to be moved by Your hand in my life - help me please, to realize what I can do to serve "the least of these." Will You come into my heart, my life, and take control? Move my arms, move my feet to where they can serve You best! I pray all of this in Jesus' precious name. Amen!

My God, You are amazing! You are wonderful! You are so loving! And I am grateful for every day, every breath, every moment that takes my breath away, for that is when I feel You most. You are near, You are right beside me. If only I always remembered You, never doubted. Alas, I believe! You are HERE - in the midst of them, and I am taken aback by Your grace, your gentleness, and Your passion! "Lord, help my unbelief!"

I want to fly...

Riding horses must be what it feels like to fly...

L-O-V-E

Four letters.  It really does make the world go 'round.  

Musing, that's all.  Can't stop.  

Love is all.  Love is everything. 

Love is the carnival ride you love best.  The merry-go-round.  

It is the peace of mind that lets you sleep.  The Nyquil.  

It is the ice-cube sliding down your back.  The shiver in your spine.  

Love is the shadow that follows you in the dark.  A stalker.  

It is the wheat blowing in the breeze.  Reminding you of home. 

It is the quilt spread out on your bed.  Warmth when you catch a chill. 

Love is the secret ingredient.  The whole clove, not the shavings.  

It is the memory of life.  The memory of time. 

It is the drug that thrills, excites.  Hallucinations.  

Love is the alcohol you want to drown in.  Stronger than blood relation. 

It is the strength that seizes.  Multiple Sclerosis of the heart. 

It is the fear of not fearing anything at all.  Courageous entity.  

Love is the hug we feel when no one's around.  Hope.  

It is jumping in a puddle.  Dancing in the rain. 

It reveals what no one can see with the naked eye.  A gentle microscope.  

Love is the high dive.  Scary, but so worth it.  

It is the remote to an autonomous system.  Redirecting.  

It is the mirror we peer into.  Reflections in a looking-glass.  

Love is the thing that makes us muse.  Inspiration.  

It is the freedom for the world.  If only everyone lived like this.  

It is who you are.  Who I am.  

Love comes from God.  Given to us to be shared with others.  

The Littlest

Sometimes being the youngest isn't all it's cracked up to be.  You are born into a family all older than you and you have to figure out where you fit in the whole family dynamic that is, of course, your family.  There are also other disadvantages to being the youngest in a family, a family of 5 in my case.  When you are unsure, people are very willing to tell you what you should do, because they are older and wiser, and it is because of this that you take their advice to heart and do whatever it is they say you should.  This could be detrimental to your growth, for you see, as you get older and more mature, you also realize that you are becoming dependent upon their view of you and you rely on what they say as fact.  You see their advice as your road signs in life, and you wouldn't want to break the rules of road, would you?  

When you finally get through grade school, high school comes along and if you have (as I did) a sibling attending the same school as you, you start having more connections with them rather than with the other people in your class.  Even after they graduate, you find yourself depending on their example in order to get through the tough years before you finally are able to walk out the double doors yourself, cap and gown moving in the early summer breeze.  Then (this is the terrible part) you find yourself trying to choose a college.  You weigh your options, think about what you want to do, what you should do, and you go for it.  You take a step on your own, break away the mold you have grown up in (it was getting a little too snug anyway) and you try to fly by yourself with your own wings.  You either make it or you don't.  Those who succeed at flying are the ones who will go far.  Those who don't, won't.  

Yes, it's true.  There are times I feel as though I failed.  Failed to make my dreams come true.  Failed to keep my dreams, even when they're all I ever wanted, all I ever had.  Failed.  Miserably.  I told myself I wasn't cut out for it.  That I could never succeed; I didn't have the brain to do it.  "Go with something easy," I told myself.  "What are you good at?" I asked.  "English," the answer came like a flash.  "OK," I responded.  "Then go for an English degree."  "But," I questioned myself, "what will I do with the English degree?"  I stalled, then replied, "Who has influenced you the most?"  That was an easy answer.  "My English teacher, you know that."  "So what's stopping you?" I responded, and I didn't have an answer for that.  

I packed up my things and flew back home.  I started at a different school, yearning to make my English degree a part of the dreams I was attempting to create once again.  I succeeded, for a while.  Then, something happened.  And I slowly started slipping down the huge mountain I had shaped and called a dream.  

Now, I am in a deep, confusing valley.  There are mountains all around me; every single one of them with a different name, and as tall as the heavens.  Should I choose the easiest one so I can make it to the top faster?  or should I challenge myself and make it to the top, exhausted and light-headed, but thrilled to have made it at all?  or perhaps I should choose one in between, somehow a mediocre way of succeeding without feeling any sense of accomplishment?  Does it even matter which one I choose?  

I'm starting to forget my time at KCMA.  It's as if it was another time, another place, another person that went instead of me.

". . . [E]very horizon, every stile or clump of trees, summoned me into a past kind of happiness. . . But the invitation seemed to me horrible.  The happiness into which it invited me was insipid.  I find that I don't want to go back again and be happy in that way.  It frightens me to think that a mere going back should even be possible.  For this fate would seem to me the worst of all, to reach a state in which my years . . . should appear in retrospect a charming episode - like a holiday - that had briefly interrupted my interminable life and returned me to normal, unchanged.  And then it would come to seem unreal - something so foreign to the usual texture of my history that I could almost believe it happened to someone else . . . Anything but that." (C. S. Lewis "A Grief Observed")

Nine months ago, today, I arrived back in Boise, Idaho after a long day traveling in planes that took me from my temporary home in Kettering, Ohio.  I can't help but wonder, where will I be another nine months from now?

Decisions...are so hard.

Today could have been so much better. Last night, I feel asleep right before my head hit the pillow (literally). I woke up in the exact same position and to top it off, a crick in my neck. I knew it was bound to be a good day. (Yes, that last sentence was written in a highly sarcastic way.) I've been wanting, or rather needing, to write recently; I just can't get what I want to say on paper. I tried to write about a week ago, and as I read back over the short blip of a poem, I realized it made absolutely no sense whatsoever. I hate those days.

(Photo: Taken at the lookout on Cabbage Hill in February.)

It's been an interesting couple of weeks. I am not really sure what to talk about on here at the moment. I've been in correspondence with a guy who works in my office and heads up the Bible study I have Wednesday nights. We've been discussing God and prayer and the power of healing, not necessarily in that order. It's been pretty insightful thus far and I am really excited about what else we will come up with regarding the aforementioned topics. There's something very neat about having an entire conversation revolving around God, no matter what subject you bring up to tag onto that one word. :)

I had a job interview this past Wednesday for the Prayer Ministries coordinator in the Spiritual Life department here at WWU. Paddy, the new chaplain, offered me the job on Friday. And now, I'm praying for guidance. I really don't know if I should take the job or not. On the one hand, I think that it would be an amazingly incredible experience, but on the other hand, I doubt my abilities to head something like this. It's pretty big and I'm kind of scared, to be honest. For those of you who will read this, please keep me in your prayers. I need direction on a very large scale right now.

(Photo: Palm Trees in San Diego, California - taken on senior class trip.)

As well as trying to decide whether or not to change up my job situation, I am also undergoing some extensive searching in the major department. Along with that, I have been meeting with Nelle at the career center on campus to talk to her about different options and what would be required of me if I chose a different major at this point in time. School starts in three weeks and I don't know what I am doing. This is also beginning to scare me.

All of these things (as well as all the things I have to do before school begins at the end of the month) have been flitting in and out of my brain this day and I am exhausted from trying to sort it all out. I need a break. A good talk with a long friend might help me keep the right adjectives in front of my nouns. ;)

Well, this is short, but I need to go to sleep now. I haven't been sleeping very well lately, either. Goodnight to all of you and I will keep YOU in my prayers! :)

Peace in the Midst of Confusion

I used to think that peace could not co-exist with confusion. When my world is spinning upside down, around, and being shaken up, peace is the last thing on my mind. I used to think that when everything seemed to be going wrong, the only emotion you were allowed to feel was confusion. I know that might sound a little bit crazy to some of you, but that "logic" just made sense in my maturing little brain. :)

(Photo: Sunset in College Place, August 25)

Now, I finally understand what it feels like to be completely confused and entirely at peace with the situation I am in. I may not know the answers or where to go from here, but what I do know is worth so much more than the unknown. I know that God is with me wherever I go, in whatever I do and that to feel anything less than peace in these moments reflects a distrust in the almighty power of the living God. I believe God can do incredible things and I believe that He can work miracles, even when it seems so insignificant at the time. I believe in my God. :)

This is a short blog entry, but there is so much happiness behind it. :) :) :)

Even so, come Lord Jesus, COME!

Best Week/end EVER

I am certain that last week has been one of the best in my life, not to mention that this week is totally starting out on the right foot!

Last week my boss in the admissions/enrollment office went on a week-long vacation to the Seattle area with his wife. Katie (the girl I work with) and I were assigned the task of keeping up with the office duties we could accomplish without the assistance of Dallas (which is surprisingly, quite a bit - the only thing we couldn't do is check our work and keep the files moving; they are currently waiting for Dallas in a very full file drawer...lucky him). :)

(Photo: Nightscape, out my dorm room window.)

Anyway, Casey (she works in the records office on campus, so I get to see her pretty regularly) and I decided to have a dinner with everyone from GSAA that happened to be in the area. Apparently, there are only 5 of us. ;) Nah, just kidding! But, that's the number that showed up at Mongolian BBQ in Walla Walla last Thursday evening: Casey, Mitchell, Michael, Josiah, and I. We had fun trying to catch up with everyone's lives, as well as eating yummy food fried for us by some very talented cooks. :) After we finished our delicious Mongolian food, we car-pooled over to the Dairy Queen right beside the restaurant and enjoyed more laughter, friendship, and sweet treats to boot!

Friday afternoon found Casey and I swimming in the pool in the WEC (our campus gym, etc.). It was the first time I had ever been in the pool area. I had a good time with Casey; we swam 10 laps...well, I guess I only did about 7 or 8, but Casey was booking it across and back, across and back. We enjoyed our time together and made it last longer by getting a group together to go to Milton-Freewater's Muddy Frogwater Days. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a fair type event, only there's mainly concession booths and not much in the way of entertainment. Although, I must admit, we got a lot of free stuff, which is (I'm pretty sure) every college student's dream. :)

Casey and her friend, Jared, along with our mutual friend, Nick, and I all headed over to the fair (that's what I will call it so I don't have to write it all out again; haha!) around 2:15. We had a lot of fun looking at everything, and all of us bought a book or two (or three, as the case may be) for very cheap prices! Example: I bought Ellen White's book Education for only a dollar (that's $1.00, for those who are visual learners). ;) On our way back to College Place, we saw a pillar of smoke in the eastern sky and decided to track it down. Turns out they were just burning a field of an old crop, but it was a fun adventure.

(Photo: Left to right-Nick, Casey, Jared at the fair in Milton-Freewater.)

Since the temperature was over 100 (it had to be; we were all over-heating!), we decided to drive to a park on the other side of Walla Walla (Rooks Park, for those of you who know where that is). This park has a dam and a (for lack of a better word) river running along-side it. Jared didn't really want to go, because he had stuff to do at his apartment before sundown, so it was just Nick, Casey, and I. We waded in and skipped rocks up the river for half an hour. We then carefully made our way to the shore and headed up a trail toward Bennington Lake about 20-25 minutes (by foot) away. We dove right in...well, Nick pretty much slipped in, which was hilarious(!), but Casey and I decided to take it a little slower. ;) When we were done swimming across and back, we sat on the "beach" (I put that in quotation marks, because it wasn't your typical beach; it had tons of weeds along the embankment, and this is where we sat), and pulled out a Bible Casey had brought along for this purpose. We took turns finding passages that spoke to us individually and shared them with each other.

(Photo: Bennington Lake Moonrise - it was an incredible sight!)

On our way back, we sang hymns and praise songs and just enjoyed being in each other's company. A Hispanic couple were sitting on a bench along the trail watching the moon and asked us what we were singing. We told them it was a hymn (wish I could remember which one, but I cannot), and they then asked us if we were Christians. We answered in the affirmative, and then they complimented us on our singing abilities and we wished each other a good night. Casey commented later on that it made her happy that the couple stopped us to talk. :) It was a very neat experience.

As Casey drove us back to College Place, we turned the Christian radio station on and "rocked" out to the praise songs, having fun making up words or humming different notes when we didn't know how the various songs went. Let me tell you, we're not THAT great of singers...but, that didn't phase us. :) We sang anyway!

Saturday morning, I went to First Serve at the University Church and met up with Nick, Carl (Nick's roommate from last year), and Casey at a Sabbath School class that meets every Sabbath at 10:15. It was the first time I had attended (Casey's too) and it turned out to be a HUGE blessing. Afterwards, we all met up at Casey's apartment she shares with her sister, and ate a delicious lunch of spaghetti, green beans, corn, and for those of us who don't like spaghetti sauce (ahem-me-ahem), there was the option of Alfredo sauce.

After lunch, we (with the addition of three more; Gayla, Carl's second cousin, James, a friend of Nick's and Michael) car-pooled our way up to Jubilee Lake, off of Tollgate, which won't mean anything to you if you don't know where Tollgate is. :) It's a lake in between College Place and La Grande in the Blue Mountains (correct me if I'm wrong, anyone). Everyone, but me, went swimming in the lake, and then we headed along the trail that goes around the whole perimeter of Jubilee Lake. One of the guys broke his flip-flop and stopped to try to fix it while the rest of us went in split groups down the trail (we tried stopping and waiting for him, but he insisted we keep going). We all made it back to the cars safely and we headed back to College Place after a fun-filled afternoon.

(Photo: Nick, sitting beside Jubilee Lake with a duck family passing by.)

Saturday night, we all gathered once again at Nick's apartment to play some "Rock Band," a video game (sort of) where you can pick the song to play and each person is on a different instrument. As your notes come up on the screen, you must play them, or after three strikes, you get kicked out of the band. I've decided I like playing the bass guitar over electric guitar and drums (all three of which I tried...and failed miserably on the last two). :) Bass guitar has such a small number of notes and I can keep up with it better. We ate some cantelope (which Nick kept calling a watermelon), popcorn, and Casey brought some stuff to make s'mores in the microwave (it is so much fun watching the marshmallow puff up, let me tell you). ;) Casey and I didn't stay long, because I was getting tired, and she had lifeguard duty at a pool in Milton-Freewater the following morning and wanted a good night's rest. But, it was loads of fun and everyone laughed at each other's attempts at playing the different instruments.

Sunday morning, I woke up at 7:51 in the morning (I didn't set my alarm, but I am so used to getting up early, my body hasn't figured out that I can sleep in on Sundays now). I left my warm bed right after waking up and proceeded to clean, vacuum, and dust my room, and did the dishes that were stacking up beside my sink. I then went over to Becky and Jason's house to vacuum out the truck and came back to the dorm to clean my fish tank (which, I'm sure, my fish were very happy about).

(Photo: My fish; Zero is the black one and the orange one is Calypso.)

A little later, Nick called to let me know that he was getting a group together to go to Rook's Park to play some volleyball and I told him I was interested in going. We ended up leaving a couple hours later. It was only four of us: Nick, James, Aaron (Nick's friend who goes to Bible study with me), and I. We started playing on our own, but then a small group of people about our age (maybe a little younger) asked if they could join us. We readily agreed (it's hard to play volleyball two-on-two) and the games commenced! We all played until we literally couldn't see the ball anymore and then packed up and headed back to campus!

Thus, we have made it to this moment. I am in my room currently, listening to the comforting sounds of the air-conditioner blowing chilled air on me and I am thoroughly content to be inside. :) I'm thinking I should go to bed soon. I need to go to work tomorrow and it's Dallas' first day back after his long vacation, so there should be plenty of work to do! (Yay!!! I'm tired of being bored at work! ....and no, you'll probably never hear that from me again). :)

But, seriously, these past few days have given me so much to be thankful for and so much to be content about. I have good friends, tons and tons of laughter, a family that cares so much about me, and a God Who showers me with blessings everywhere I turn. I am surely blessed to be a part of Walla Walla University and I really do believe that this is where I am supposed to be. After a long week of not really knowing where I stood, this is my new home and I will stay for as long as God wills it. :)

(Photo: Zucchini Bread!)

Oh, and just for the record, I made zucchini bread for the first time for my Bible study last Wednesday. It turned out FANTASTIC, I am very proud to say! :)

"Somebody Else"

I have always had this urge to leave my comfort zone and fly away to another place and time, where I can start over and be somebody new...who knows? Maybe someday it will happen.

"Somebody Else"
by Miranda Lambert

Highway 65 sure sounds kinda nice.
I feel like drivin' somewhere far away.
Got the top rolled down, radio up loud.
Playin' Willie and Old Hank.

Well I don't really have a certain destination.
I'll just fill the gas tank up and use my imagination.

(Chorus)
I wanna feel my freedom blowin' through my hair.
Throw my troubles to the wind and scream out I don't care.
I'm tired of bein' down and out 'cause that ain't what life should be about.
I can feel the load gettin' lighter with every mile.
I wanna be somebody else for a little while.

Sometimes we're afraid to change, scared of what tomorrow brings.
Same routine every day.
If you never stop and listen, you don't know what you'll be missin',
Don't let your life slip away.

(Chorus)
I wanna feel my freedom blowin' through my hair.
Throw my troubles to the wind and scream out I don't care.
I'm tired of bein' down and out 'cause that ain't what life should be about.
I can feel the load gettin' lighter with every mile.
I wanna be somebody else for a little while.

Stay up all night and sleep all day and wake up with a smile.
I wanna be somebody else for a little while.

"Time to Say Goodbye"

I hate saying goodbye. I tend to steer away from that word, no matter how often I come across it in my life. Even if it is staring me in the face, I don't want to say it. Now, understand that I'm not talking about saying that word right before you hang up the phone or when you shout it out when you're going on vacation or some other place for a period of time. When you say it then, you know that you plan to come back.

That being said, I think there comes a time (or several) in your life when you must say goodbye to certain things that take you away from your focus. I'm talking about saying goodbye to people you know you need to say that word to, saying goodbye to things you know you must let go of in order to move on with your life.

Here is how I think one should go about doing the aforementioned task: List, Explain, Tackle, God, Organic = LET GO. That might sound a little strange to you, but let me elaborate on that list.

1. List - Figure out what exactly is causing you to lose your focus.
2. Explain - Describe why those things or people are able to distract you so easily.
3. Tackle - Make a plan.
4. God - Pray that you will do the right thing and that you aren't missing anything and pray also that God will show you the guidance you need as you go through with your plan and to be able to revise as needed.
5. Organic - Go back to the basics. Let God lead in your life and you can never go wrong!

Why am I writing about the "LET GO" concept?? Recently, I've realized that there are some things and people in my life that I am hanging onto with all of my might because I do not want to say goodbye. In reality, however, I know that when I let them go, my life will go in a new and better direction than it has gone or will go if I continue to hang onto the things that drag me down. Perhaps you are wondering what those things are. Honestly, I don't think it's important for you to know that. But, I DO think that it helps to have the encouragement and support of those close to you. Knowing they are on your side can make all the difference in the world.

Right now, I am at work. My boss is gone on vacation and for those of you who think I am slacking on the job, know that we really have nothing to do right now and I am being productive by updating my blog again. :) At the moment, I'm wondering how this is turning out and if any of this is making sense to you. I'm struggling to actually put down what I am thinking...

Sometimes, I want to be perfectly honest and blunt in this, my blog. But, I'm afraid I might end up offending someone or hurting someone's feelings when that is really not my intention. That, in itself, might make me change the topic as to why people find offending people so...well, offensive. They avoid it like the plague, when sometimes, offending is the only way to heal wounds that have been open and secreting puss for the last decade. Not a pretty picture? Well, neither is the sight of people hiding emotions and opinions for who-knows-how-long, their dignity and self-assurance rotting away like their wounds, because they find it so hard to speak the honest-to-goodness TRUTH! Can we please have a black and white world here, people(?!), instead of this mediocre grey, burning a hole through everything we once thought either right or wrong?!

I love dictionaries, so I just looked up the word "offend" and it states down through the definition that offending someone does not need to "imply an intentional hurting, but it may indicate merely a violation of the victim's sense of what is proper or fitting." Yes, we should be sympathetic to people different from ourselves, as well as to take into consideration how they feel or might feel if you do speak to them in a direct manner. But, what I want to know is this: Are we compromising who WE are in order to make THEM feel comfortable? And then the question that arises from that is this one: Who is "more important?" The answer is indelibly, a resounding "Neither!" But, looking under the surface, I want you to ask yourself, "Am I acting in accordance to the way God made me? or am I compromising who I am in order not to offend?"

We are told to watch what we say while growing up. "If you don't say something nice, then don't say anything at all," our parents have been telling us since we were born, borrowing (more like stealing - hehe) the line from the movie "Bambi." In school, we are taught the Golden Rule, which goes something like this: "Do unto others what you would have them do unto you," although at times, I do admit, I have been hard pressed not to change it to "Do onto others before they do onto you." :) (I'm kiddding, for those of you who don't know me as well as they think they do.)

As a result of this training while little, we become adults who find it so incredibly difficult to so much as think of offending anyone. Then, why do we find it so terribly easy to offend those who are closest to us? We hold our tongue while with strangers or people we admire or look up to, while we let loose on our own family, our kin, our best friends. Why do we think it's not OK to "offend" strangers, but find it fine and almost right to offend the people we hold dearest? I will tell you: We offend those closest to us, because we think it might change the way they act. Isn't that right? We offend, because we want change. But...don't we want change in other areas of our lives? In those parts of our lives which we struggle with the most? Then, why aren't we offending more?

I know I might get several different points of view on this subject, and please, let me have all of them. But, I think this is an important topic that begs for discussion. If no one else will bring it up, then why not me? :)

In my day-to-day dealings with several different types of people, I find myself not wanting to offend. I don't want them to get the wrong impression of me. I don't want them to disregard what I have to say because of something I have done to offend them, intentionally or not. Do you see where I am going with this yet? :)

IF the point of our time here on earth is to direct people to God, to Jesus...and IF we are meant to show others Who the Trinity really is...and IF our bodies are the temple of God...then, why do we care what others think of us? I guess in a way, that doesn't really make sense. BUT, hang with me on this one. I think I am getting somewhere... 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 has this to say about the topic: "Don't you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price." Now, the key phrase in that text is that we "do not belong to [ourselves]." Are you making the connections? Let's keep going.

Mark 13:11 states that you should, "...take no thought beforehand what ye shall speak; neither need ye premeditate. But whatsoever shall be given to you in that hour, that speak ye; for it is not ye that speak, but the Holy Ghost." Have you ever been speaking to someone and suddenly felt like you really needed to tell them something, no matter how ludicrous it sounds in your head? Perhaps it's something that you've been meaning to tell them for a long time but never had the opportunity, or maybe it's something that just popped into your head. Either way, you know you have to say something and the opportunity to do so has presented itself. You know it might offend them, but you also know that it could change them, inside and out. You know what that is? That is the Holy Spirit talking through you. Who are you to put a cork on that?! Even if it offends, say it. I guess that is the point I am trying to make. That said, the Bible also states, "Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything with love" (1 Corinthians 16:13-14, emphasis mine). Speak the truth, but do it with love.

How did we get to this subject? Oh man, this blog is so disjointed. If it makes sense at all to you, we are on a roll. If not....well, these are just my thoughts, as random as they may seem. And it IS my blog. I can say whatever I want to...right? ;) I still have so many things going through my head right now, but I will not suffer you to endure them now. Maybe later. :) For now, however, remember that I love you and that if I speak bluntly, it only means that I am begging for change. :)

...Even so, come Lord Jesus, COME!...

Another Backward Birthday

July 13, 2008 - happy 20th to me! Oh man, do I love birthdays! But, not for the usual reasons. I love them, no matter who they are for, because they always seem to be so happy. :)

You know, now that I think of it, birthdays are very interesting things. You get presents when you are born and every year after that, on the anniversary of your birth, you are given more presents and cake and ice cream as people sing "Happy Birthday" to you and wait for you to blow out your candles, one for every year you have been alive.

Birthdays are a celebration of life, of love, of family. But, what I want to know is this: why don't your mother and father get presents? Think about it. Your mom and dad created little you. Your mom carries you inside for almost an entire year (less a couple of months). Your mom is the one to go to the doctor to get check-ups to make sure you are A-OK and that nothing is wrong with you and if there is, she and your dad are the ones to do everything to "fix" what went wrong, no matter the cost. Then, eventually, your mom goes through much pain so that you can take your first breath of fresh, sanitized hospital air. As you grow older and start maturing, your mom and dad are the ones to comfort, nurture, discipline, and guide you through life, with the help and grace of God. (Yes, even parents need help from God sometimes, you know.) :)

When I was little, I was very selfish when the year rolled around to July 13. All I wanted was for the whole day to be about me me me. It was my birthday and I could do whatever I wanted, right? Right. Well, in a way, I suppose that was right. My parents made it about me. They asked me what dessert I wanted, what meal I wanted cooked or if I wanted to go out to eat, what I wanted to do first, eat or open presents. Now, I'm

not saying that it is my parents' fault that I wanted birthdays to be a holiday for conceited little me. It was probably a combination of a lot of things that made me sit at the head of the table, selfishness dripping off every part of me, like the ice-cream I consistently got all over my face.

As I got older (and wiser? ...maybe...), I realized what birthdays should be about: family, friends, happiness, and a whole bunch of other good stuff. Now, I like doing stuff with everyone - I want them to have fun! I also realized that my parents should be the ones to get the kudos for bringing me into the world and for raising me to be the person I am today. I should have said this sooner than today, but I love you, Mom and Dad! And I'm glad you are my parents!

Birthdays are so backwards... :)

Conflict

Dreaming the impossible,

I took your breath away.
You stumbled in the darkness,
You rolled your eyes at me.
Somehow you didn't think,
That what I wanted,
Would come to pass.
You doubted who I was,
Who I am,
And who I will be.
I thought, of all people,
Perhaps you would believe.
I could do it,
But this was not to be so.
I stuttered, "You're kidding,"
As I broke out in astonishment.
You said I could not do it,
That I was worthless,
Stupid for even trying.
I had for so long now,
Wanted to be me,
And you were holding me back,
From who I was to become.
At first, I thought you right,
A silly dream would never work,
Would never come to pass.
You jeered and cheered,
All in effort to solidify my view.
While I took it all in stride,
And kept believing all your lies.
Since that time now,
I have fallen more than once.
I can't erase what you said to me,
Can't press the delete button in my mind.
Your words, they whisper condemnation,
When all I wanted was support.
I tried and I had failed,
To give my doubts to God.
At this time, it just so happens,
This is what you wanted all along...

I finally woke up,
A couple days ago.
I raised my head; opened my eyes,
And realized what I should do,
What I should have done,
Many years ago.
Instead of taking,
Your lies to be the truth,
I should have fallen,
Not in vain,
But at the feet,
Of my Savior and my Lord;
Who knows of you,
And knows your tricks,
And knows your lies beside.
I should have fallen on my knees,
Instead of taking you in stride.
I should have listened when I heard,
That still small voice from you.
I should have stopped,
The tyrannous rage from you,
And remembered who I was.
For I was and am and forever wilt I be,
A child of the living God,
Who is alive and well,
And cares so much for me!

You might taunt me,
Tease me and ensnare,
But I know the truth,
For I am free,
And I do not care to know you
Anymore.
"Away from me,"
I cry out to the darkness.
"Go away and let my Savior reign,
"For I am but a child,
"But I know you and your threats.
"I do not care to know you now.
"Leave me to my rest."
It was at this moment,
That I called for help,
I saw the blinding light.
I knew right away,
Who it must be,
For none can shine as bright as He.
My Lord and Savior,
Coming to delight,
Not to take, but only to give,
Rest to me this night.

I will not grieve the loss of you,
You are nothing I cannot live without.
I will only ponder what I have done,
And remember Who is right.
I might stumble,
Fall, I will, for sure.
But, the difference is held within me,
Your lies will never win again!

Come, my Jesus,
Stay with me,
And help me in my sin.
I have fallen short of the glory of You,
Please clear away my sin.
I will love you until the end of time.
Take me home with you,
I want to see your face,
And behold your wondrous light!
Forever and for always,
An earthly father have I --
But you are mine in heaven,
Remember that I try,
To put into practice,
What I learned when I was young.
My prayer shall be thus --
I cannot wait to see you,
Even so, come Lord Jesus, COME!

Fare Thee Well

I'm writing poems again; I have not done so in quite awhile and have been desperately wanting to put onto paper what I wish to say. I wrote this late last night when I should have been sleeping, but unfortunately (and stupidly, I should add), I had caffeine pretty late, so I could not fall asleep. When this happens, I usually write. It's a nice excuse at times, I must say. :)

This poem is interesting - it's really more of a song. When you find love, you tend to hold onto it with all your might, and when it leaves, it also takes a part of you with it. When this happens, you sometimes feel as if you cannot be complete and life does not seem to make much sense until you are with that one other person again. This poem/song reflects that point. Although, I believe that sometimes all we miss is the closeness we had with that person; perhaps we do not miss the person as much as we think we do...Let me know what you think.

(Photo: Falls Creek - near Joseph, Oregon)

Fare thee well,
Fare thee well,
For I sigh in the night,
Fare thee well.

You are needed,
In the city.
By the dawning of the day.
You are sleeping,
In your bedroom,
Take me with you when you go.

Fare thee well,
Fare thee well,
For I sigh in the night,
Fare thee well.

You are wanted,
In the country,
Beside waters cool as snow.
You are lying,
Upon the bedframe,
I clasp your hand in mine.

Fare thee well,
Fare thee well,
For I sigh in the night,
Fare thee well.

You are longed for,
In my one heart,
Inside the void that doesn’t fill.
You are drifting,
Long far from me,
Do not leave me all alone.

Fare thee well,
Fare thee well,
For I sigh in the night,
Fare thee well.

You’ve been gone,
For such a time now,
I can’t scarcely take a breath.
You are leading,
I must follow,
In your steps I will abide.

Fare thee well,
Fare thee well,
I sigh in the night,
Fare thee well.

You aren’t longer,
In the bedroom.
For you have gone far away.
I still need you,
Everyday yes,
How must I live alone?

Fare thee well,
Fare thee well,
For I sigh in the night,
Fare thee well.

I don’t hover,
‘round the bedroom,
For I know you are long gone.
I must move on,
With the rest of life,
Someday I shall see you once again.

Fare thee well,
Fare thee well,
For I sigh in the night,
Fare thee well.

I am old now,
And oh so lonely.
It is time we meet again.
My body shudders,
Any day now,
I shall see your face before.

Fare thee well,
Fare thee well,
For I sigh in the night,
Fare thee well.

Your heart beats closely,
To my own chest,
I know you’re here at last.
I cannot wait to,
Hold you tightly,
And never let go again.

Fare thee well,
Fare thee well,
For I sigh in the night,
Fare thee well.

We are together now.
Forever.

Oh, the Memories

I have always had a hard time dealing with my memories of what my life has held and of what my life has had to let go of. Ask either one of my sisters and they will tell you that I hold things in for a very long time, thinking about how life used to be. I also find it hard to let go of certain experiences. I tend to miss people the most. When they come into my life, I don't want to face the fact that I might have to say goodbye to them in the future. When that moment does come, I become scared, not knowing if I will ever see them again or talk again with them.

The first instance of this happening that I remember for myself is when my grandma died in 1997. Although my grandpa (on the other side) died the previous year, I don't really remember him at all; I was only 7 years old when it happened. But, when my "Grumma" (as I used to call her in my little, high-pitched voice) died, I remember that I couldn't cry. I remember standing at her grave site in southern California as she was lowered into the ground and I stood there, seeming to not understand what was actually happening. I remember where I was standing, what I was wearing, exactly what the weather was like...I also remember feeling uncomfortable, almost wanting to laugh because of the serious faces of my family. But I don't remember feeling a sense of loss. It wasn't until a friend's aunt died of cancer (as my grandma had) that I actually sat down and cried about how much I really missed my grandma; this was 10 years after she died. Until that moment, I thought I would never cry about what I had lost.

At this moment, I am crying again, because I can't help but wonder what life would be like if my grandma were still living. Would she be proud of who I have grown up to be? Would she be someone I confide in? Would we still make the trek down to Riverside, California to visit her in the summer? Would I still love her as much as I did when I was a child? Would she still have the candy jars on her coffee table in her living room with the big blue fuzzy pillow, tempting me to disobey my mother every time I walked by and saw the yummy treats? Would she still dress up like Santa Claus at Christmastime? If she could see me now, what would she think of me?

(Photo: Wallowa Lake; near Joseph, Oregon)

The next instance of this happened when I was 14 years old. I still cannot let go of what happened over six years ago. It has hurt me in more than one way and will probably always be something in my past that I wish had never happened. At times, it still hurts when I think about it. Another experience I have gone through was when someone I loved told me that they wanted to go back to being friends, something that we still seem to lack the ability to accomplish.

Life is painful at times. Relationships change, that's a given. What makes it hard are the ones that change drastically in a short amount of time. Even when you know how the situation will eventually play out, when it actually does, it's still difficult to face. I knew my grandma would die. We had our "warning". But when it happened, I became numb, as if I didn't want it to be true. I was living in a dream world for over 10 years. When you aren't sure how your story will develop, for the better or worse, it gets a little confusing. You think to yourself, How did I get to this point? and Why can't we go back to the way we were before? Lastly, when you are taken off guard completely, things can get a little messy and you might even blame yourself for something that was entirely out of your control.

Memories. The sad ones can be horrific. The happy ones can be minimal. And I wish I were eight again, able to push them into the back of my mind, and concentrate on playing on the bars at recess, chasing my friends around the playground, or fencing with yardsticks (which I did on more than one occasion). But, I cannot hide anymore. I must face what I do not wish to, and I must sift through the rubble of my memories and keep the ones that are meant to be kept. The rest can drift away on the wind.

"Love Makes the World Go 'round"

So I'm driving down the highway at top speeds (the limit, that is to say) and I'm singing along to the music in my sister and brother-in-law's truck they're letting me borrow, and then the song comes on. It's the one that always makes me smile and remember why I am here, why all of us are here: love. Steven Curtis Chapman says it perfectly when he sings "All About Love," because really...isn't it all about love? And, if we don't come across this way...shouldn't we?

We've got CD sets and videos, radio and TV shows
Conferences, retreats and seminars
We've got books and magazines to read on everything from A to Z
And a web to surf from anywhere we are
But I hope with all this information buzzing through our brains
That we will not let our hearts forget the most important thing

Is love, love, love, love, love
It's all about love, love, love, love, love
Everything else comes down to this
Nothing any higher on the list than love
It's all about love

Now they're fighting in the middle east
And they're fighting down on Seventh Street
And there are fights in my own house on given days
It's like something's lurking deep inside
That can't seem to be satisfied
But life was not meant to be lived this way
'cause it's true for every man and woman
Every boy and girl
That our only hope for living here together in this world

Is love, love, love, love, love
It's all about love, love, love, love, love
Everything else comes down to this
Nothing any higher on the list than love

This is the reason we were made
To know the love of our Creator
And to give the love He's given us away
Yeah, the Maker, and the Father, and the God of everything
He says to love, love, love
He says love, love, love
Love, love, love
'cause after all, it's all about love

Working in the Enrollment Office is pretty neat. Dallas ("the boss") gathered everyone together about two days ago and we had our first office worship. He brought up the text from Ephesians 4:31-32 which says, "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." This really struck a chord in me. I have recently been struggling with dealing with and being around people and I have finally figured it out for myself: Love is all I need. We are born to love others and we are born to have a need for love; it's how you fulfill that need that creates a connection with another or a wall between you and someone else.

Stay with me here; these might just be wanderings of a tired mind, but I'm getting to a point, one I think is extremely important.

God is love, yes? Yes! And if I (read: "you") love Him first, then my (read: "your") need for love is fulfilled, right? Almost. If we love Him first and put Him first in our lives, then we become overflowing with love. As a consequence of being filled with all that love, we start feeling the need to spread the love to others. And, hopefully, as a result of loving others, we will continue the ripples, starting at Jesus' feet, traveling throughout the world. Then, and only then, is the cycle of love complete. In Romans 13:10, it states, "Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law" (emphasis mine - NIV).

So, what are you waiting for?! :)

(Photo: Jason, Becky, and I; South Fork - 30 minutes outside College Place, Washington)

Friends

I love my friends. There's no denying the fact that they make my life so much more enjoyable just by being in it! :) The last couple of weeks have brought many fun times hanging out with friends and the immortalization (is that a word? haha!) of the occasions with pictures. On June 8, Traci, her roommate Jessica, and I went out to lunch together and then we walked around downtown Walla Walla for awhile. Jessica will be staying in Portland (her hometown) this fall to take classes for the nursing program through the Walla Walla University campus located there. So, as a result, Traci is losing her roommate and I am losing my friend. :(

There is much to say for my friends. Every single one of them show me a different side of life. Each has different struggles they are going through, no matter what their story happens to be. One is very outgoing, introducing me to all of her friends all the time. Another is a little shy, seeking out people they know instead of jumping out of the box they find themselves in. Still another strives to hold their head high, though their life seems to be spinning out of control a lot of the time. One of my other friends thinks he knows everything and has a hard time admitting when he is wrong and another has to be perfect at everything. Every single person I have mentioned, along with dozens of others, are so important to me.

I love the friendships I have with people I have known for years. There's just something special about connecting with someone who has known you when you were a "silly little freshman" in high school, or someone you ran around the playground trying to catch in grade school. And then there are the friendships that have only lasted a year, maybe two. These are the people you always see and possibly say "hello" to in the halls as you change classes or go about your work, but don't really talk to until one of you finally walks up to the other and invites them on a random adventure, just to see what will happen. I think both tend to wonder on occasions such as these, "Where will we go from here?" Sometimes, it ends up being a one-time thing, something you both had fun doing, but you'll probably never do again. But, if you are lucky (as I was last year), the outing will create a friendship that touches you in a way nothing else has or will in the future. These are the friends that you will probably keep tabs on for life, no matter how crazy, hectic, insane your life is going at any given moment. :) (Photo credit-directly above: Traci Pline, downtown Walla Walla; FEET!)

About a month ago, the day after I heard about the disappearance of Shari, a friend from across the hall, Katie, invited me to go out with her and a friend. I desperately needed the distraction and agreed to go to Baskin Robbins for some "fun." :) Katie, Kevin, and I proceeded to laugh our heads off, singing very loudly (perhaps too loudly) to the music Kevin played in his car, on our way to enjoy the much-needed break from the solemness of the dorm and the quiet hush on campus. When we got to BR, Kevin knew exactly what he wanted, but Katie and I were left to fend for ourselves, trying to quickly choose the "perfect" flavor. Twenty minutes later (haha - I don't think it really took that long), we sat down, happy in that moment in time.

The week of finals was hectic. Laura (my roommate) and I were trying furiously to finish what needed to be done before our final tests of the year. I think it was harder for Laura, because she had to pack everything up the weekend before so her parents could haul it home, and then the week she was studying for finals, she also had to find time to pack the rest of the little things left over that her parents didn't take, as well as trying to clean her half of the room. Let me tell you, all we both wanted to do was crash every night...but still, we tarried onward, struggling to get a few extra minutes of sleep when we could. Monday night, the night before Laura left, I brought my camera out and we had a space in time when we were smiling at a camera, instead of glaring at a teacher. :)

I left campus on Wednesday. Traci's mom was kind enough to let me crawl into the space that was left in their truck after Traci got done filling it (hehe!) and go home with them. After an enjoyable ride, knowing I didn't have to split time with my family and friends with homework, I drove from Traci's house to mine, with every intention of falling into bed. Although that's not exactly how it happened, I still loved being in my own bed, safe at home with my family.

I had four days to spend at home this time and I loved every minute of it. From spending time with a friend I hadn't really hung out with since last August, to celebrating his little sister's 17th birthday (I did this twice, actually), to celebrating my own sister's 22nd birthday, to going on a picnic with my parents in the park Sabbath morning and afternoon...it was perfect. Sure, there were a few disagreements, as there are in every family get-together, but this time it was different. Overall, I really enjoyed my time being with some of the people I love the most in this world.

Thursday evening, my sister, Rachel, invited me to go out to eat with her, Ronnie (her husband), Will (Ronnie's brother), and Morgan (my niece). I accepted and 6:00 pm found all of us sitting in a nice little corner of the Olive Garden. It was in celebration of my sister's 22nd birthday. Besides the fact that the food was good, we had such a good time just being together. I don't usually get to hang out with Ronnie all that much, so it was almost like a special treat for him to be with us at the dinner. Rachel was kind of bummed that we didn't get free dessert for her birthday (yeah, Rach, nothing is ever free there), but all in all, we had a good time. Rachel even came shopping with me after dinner, which was a blast! After I found what I was looking for, we went "window shopping" through the computer stuff, toys, and housewares (not to mention the little girl clothes). :)

Friday morning, I drove out to GSAA to pick the "other" Rachel up after she got off of work so we could celebrate HER birthday at a nice lunch. :) I took her to Primo's and Traci and her little sister, Kimberly, met us there. I guess Italian was on the menu for birthdays this year! :) After our nice little lunch, laughing, joking, and talking for forever (yeah, we do that a lot), Traci and Kimberly left to go celebrate Father's Day with their family and I drove Rachel back home. Instead of leaving immediately after dropping her off, I followed her inside and hung out a bit with her and Travis. I tried not to laugh too much, but as you might know, that's kind of hard for me at times. :) I played cards with Travis, and did the Labyrinth with Travis and his dad, Ben, about a hundred and one times. I still can't get all the way to the end...I think I kept falling into hole number 15...or was it 17? I can't remember. All I know is that I'm not very good at that game. But it sure is fun! Travis and I actually tried to do it together, each of us guiding one direction the platform tilts. haha! I think the farthest I got was when we did it that way! I love being with the Wood family. I always have a good time and I end up leaving with my face hurting from smiling so much! :)

Saturday, I went on a picnic with my parents. It was nice to just be with them. We went to Ann Morrison Park in downtown Boise. It has this huge fountain in the middle of it and it turned out to be my favorite spot to take photos (besides the rose garden we visited later in the day). It seems I always have my camera with me nowadays. :) There were so many things to take pictures of that day! We walked around after eating and using up one of my camera batteries (my mom had her camera with her, too - they were gifts from my dad a couple Christmases ago). I waded in the Boise River for a little while, but reluctantly got out when I realized I couldn't feel my feet anymore...or my legs, for that matter. I got in only up to my knees, because I didn't really want to get my clothes wet. If I had thought to bring my swimsuit, I might have gone swimming. I haven't gone yet this year and I have been wanting to.

When we got to the Rose Garden a couple hours later, I couldn't stop taking photos. I was having a blast trying to figure out my camera and going closer...oh! Too close! Now, change the setting...and now! Wait...wait...how about from this angle? Or...what if I shoot it from below? My dad was going almost as crazy as I was with my mom's camera. My mom was following us around and admiring the roses, because she didn't have a camera now and she was getting super tired to boot! We left about 15 minutes later and went home to look at all the photos we had taken. I also showed them more some I had taken while up here at WWU that I hadn't shown them before, such as a concert my oldest sister, Becky, sang in on her birthday in April.

Family is so comforting sometimes. I know they will always be there for me no matter what and I know that they love me so much, even when I do dumb things with or without realizing it. I disappoint them at times, I know this. But, the thing is, I will disappoint everyone at least once in this lifetime; my family is probably the most prominent ones I do disappoint. They know me so well and they only want the best for me. It's very frustrating to be in a situation where you can only see one view - your own. What I wouldn't give sometimes to be someone else, on the outside looking in, so that I could look at it with a wise eye and decide for myself if what I am doing is good or bad. I do make decisions by myself; at times, I disregard what my family says because I think I see something more than they do. "They don't understand," I argue to myself. But, perhaps they understand more than I think they do.

I think this is the same way that I tend to view God. I tell myself that there's no way He could ever understand what I am going through. But, the truth is, He sees what I am going through. Whatever hurts me, hurts Him too. Whenever I take a wrong step, look the wrong direction, follow the wrong path, it hurts Him. He can also see things I don't see, as my parents do. He knows what's going to hurt me and what is going to make me truly happy.

I sometimes ask my parents for advice, but the question remains: Why don't I ask God's advice? If He knows all, then why am I holding back from asking the Giver, the Creator of all things, my Father, where I should go? or what I should do? I may not always know what to do in certain situations, and sometimes, I get so scared that I freeze. But, one thing I do know: We are called to love. That is all. Love heals wounds, it sets us free from anger, revenge, hatred. Love covers wrongs, it opens doors. As I start to love others more, I start seeing them in a new light. I see them as my friends, my sisters, and my brothers. I am called to love; who am I to question that?

(Photo credit: Rachel Brakke; Olive Garden-Boise, Idaho)

"Believe, when you are most unhappy, that there is something for you to do in the world. So long as you can sweeten another's pain, life is not in vain." -Helen Keller

"I never promised you a rose garden..."

A couple of days ago, one of my friends asked me if I still wrote poetry. "All the time," I replied. But then, I got to thinking...I haven't posted any of the poems I've written. So, it's about time, I guess. :)

I wrote this piece at the beginning of March 2008. A good friend of mine had just recently let me in on another "moment" in her life that happened before I knew her and it moved me to write a poem. Hope you enjoy!

(Photo: Rose Garden, Julia Davis Park in Boise, Idaho)

For a friend of mine who inspired me to write this -

I hope you understand...I don't want this to hurt you or make you sad. I just want you to know I care and even if I don't understand things completely, I do try.

Love ya,

-Ruthie

So Sudden, So Still

The petals fell to the ground one-by-one in silent ecstasy,

As the hand which held the stem –

With all the thorns, sharp with recently plucked newness –

Dropped down, finally resting at her side.

She would not move.

She would not breathe.

She would not say a word.

For, if she had, the tears would have flowed;

Like a waterfall cascading over rocks and ridges.

She did not want to cry.

Her hand trembled uncontrollably,

Yet still she stood – stoic.

He remained directly in front of her,

Not knowing what to say…

If he should say anything.

His eyes, usually light with humor,

Became dark seeds of love.

He still loved her; she was so very precious to him still.

Yes, even he could not explain his actions this day.

She did not look at him.

Still not a word, until…

Go away! she cried out, How could you do this?

The words tumbled out before she could think to stop them.

Pointing her finger, she yelled it again.

Go away! Just go!

Screaming now, falling to the ground as were her tears,

She covered her face with her hands,

Throwing the studded stem to the ground in front of him.

He flinched, but didn't say a word.

Leave me! she pointed in the direction of his escape.

There was nothing he could do to make the pain lesson for her.

He had done what he felt he needed to do,

But, for some reason, the relief he expected didn't show its face.

Instead, he had a sense of foreboding creeping around him.

She grabbed the rest of the roses that had fallen previously in the exchange.

Shakily getting to her feet, she shoved the roses at his chest.

I don't want your roses! she sobbed.

Take them. I don't want them!

He let them plunge to the ground once again.

I'm sorry...I didn't mean...I didn't know...

Stalling and stuttering, he stopped abruptly when she whispered,

If you walk away now, don't come back. Ever.

Throwing a hand over her mouth, she gasped for breath through her fingers,

Knowing he would walk away.

Knowing he wouldn't be back.

With each degree he turned, her heart pulled her chest more and more.

With each step he took, her body ached.

With every move he made, she wanted him back –

Knowing it was impossible.

She had lost, not ever knowing why.