L-O-V-E

Four letters.  It really does make the world go 'round.  

Musing, that's all.  Can't stop.  

Love is all.  Love is everything. 

Love is the carnival ride you love best.  The merry-go-round.  

It is the peace of mind that lets you sleep.  The Nyquil.  

It is the ice-cube sliding down your back.  The shiver in your spine.  

Love is the shadow that follows you in the dark.  A stalker.  

It is the wheat blowing in the breeze.  Reminding you of home. 

It is the quilt spread out on your bed.  Warmth when you catch a chill. 

Love is the secret ingredient.  The whole clove, not the shavings.  

It is the memory of life.  The memory of time. 

It is the drug that thrills, excites.  Hallucinations.  

Love is the alcohol you want to drown in.  Stronger than blood relation. 

It is the strength that seizes.  Multiple Sclerosis of the heart. 

It is the fear of not fearing anything at all.  Courageous entity.  

Love is the hug we feel when no one's around.  Hope.  

It is jumping in a puddle.  Dancing in the rain. 

It reveals what no one can see with the naked eye.  A gentle microscope.  

Love is the high dive.  Scary, but so worth it.  

It is the remote to an autonomous system.  Redirecting.  

It is the mirror we peer into.  Reflections in a looking-glass.  

Love is the thing that makes us muse.  Inspiration.  

It is the freedom for the world.  If only everyone lived like this.  

It is who you are.  Who I am.  

Love comes from God.  Given to us to be shared with others.  

The Littlest

Sometimes being the youngest isn't all it's cracked up to be.  You are born into a family all older than you and you have to figure out where you fit in the whole family dynamic that is, of course, your family.  There are also other disadvantages to being the youngest in a family, a family of 5 in my case.  When you are unsure, people are very willing to tell you what you should do, because they are older and wiser, and it is because of this that you take their advice to heart and do whatever it is they say you should.  This could be detrimental to your growth, for you see, as you get older and more mature, you also realize that you are becoming dependent upon their view of you and you rely on what they say as fact.  You see their advice as your road signs in life, and you wouldn't want to break the rules of road, would you?  

When you finally get through grade school, high school comes along and if you have (as I did) a sibling attending the same school as you, you start having more connections with them rather than with the other people in your class.  Even after they graduate, you find yourself depending on their example in order to get through the tough years before you finally are able to walk out the double doors yourself, cap and gown moving in the early summer breeze.  Then (this is the terrible part) you find yourself trying to choose a college.  You weigh your options, think about what you want to do, what you should do, and you go for it.  You take a step on your own, break away the mold you have grown up in (it was getting a little too snug anyway) and you try to fly by yourself with your own wings.  You either make it or you don't.  Those who succeed at flying are the ones who will go far.  Those who don't, won't.  

Yes, it's true.  There are times I feel as though I failed.  Failed to make my dreams come true.  Failed to keep my dreams, even when they're all I ever wanted, all I ever had.  Failed.  Miserably.  I told myself I wasn't cut out for it.  That I could never succeed; I didn't have the brain to do it.  "Go with something easy," I told myself.  "What are you good at?" I asked.  "English," the answer came like a flash.  "OK," I responded.  "Then go for an English degree."  "But," I questioned myself, "what will I do with the English degree?"  I stalled, then replied, "Who has influenced you the most?"  That was an easy answer.  "My English teacher, you know that."  "So what's stopping you?" I responded, and I didn't have an answer for that.  

I packed up my things and flew back home.  I started at a different school, yearning to make my English degree a part of the dreams I was attempting to create once again.  I succeeded, for a while.  Then, something happened.  And I slowly started slipping down the huge mountain I had shaped and called a dream.  

Now, I am in a deep, confusing valley.  There are mountains all around me; every single one of them with a different name, and as tall as the heavens.  Should I choose the easiest one so I can make it to the top faster?  or should I challenge myself and make it to the top, exhausted and light-headed, but thrilled to have made it at all?  or perhaps I should choose one in between, somehow a mediocre way of succeeding without feeling any sense of accomplishment?  Does it even matter which one I choose?  

I'm starting to forget my time at KCMA.  It's as if it was another time, another place, another person that went instead of me.

". . . [E]very horizon, every stile or clump of trees, summoned me into a past kind of happiness. . . But the invitation seemed to me horrible.  The happiness into which it invited me was insipid.  I find that I don't want to go back again and be happy in that way.  It frightens me to think that a mere going back should even be possible.  For this fate would seem to me the worst of all, to reach a state in which my years . . . should appear in retrospect a charming episode - like a holiday - that had briefly interrupted my interminable life and returned me to normal, unchanged.  And then it would come to seem unreal - something so foreign to the usual texture of my history that I could almost believe it happened to someone else . . . Anything but that." (C. S. Lewis "A Grief Observed")

Nine months ago, today, I arrived back in Boise, Idaho after a long day traveling in planes that took me from my temporary home in Kettering, Ohio.  I can't help but wonder, where will I be another nine months from now?

Decisions...are so hard.

Today could have been so much better. Last night, I feel asleep right before my head hit the pillow (literally). I woke up in the exact same position and to top it off, a crick in my neck. I knew it was bound to be a good day. (Yes, that last sentence was written in a highly sarcastic way.) I've been wanting, or rather needing, to write recently; I just can't get what I want to say on paper. I tried to write about a week ago, and as I read back over the short blip of a poem, I realized it made absolutely no sense whatsoever. I hate those days.

(Photo: Taken at the lookout on Cabbage Hill in February.)

It's been an interesting couple of weeks. I am not really sure what to talk about on here at the moment. I've been in correspondence with a guy who works in my office and heads up the Bible study I have Wednesday nights. We've been discussing God and prayer and the power of healing, not necessarily in that order. It's been pretty insightful thus far and I am really excited about what else we will come up with regarding the aforementioned topics. There's something very neat about having an entire conversation revolving around God, no matter what subject you bring up to tag onto that one word. :)

I had a job interview this past Wednesday for the Prayer Ministries coordinator in the Spiritual Life department here at WWU. Paddy, the new chaplain, offered me the job on Friday. And now, I'm praying for guidance. I really don't know if I should take the job or not. On the one hand, I think that it would be an amazingly incredible experience, but on the other hand, I doubt my abilities to head something like this. It's pretty big and I'm kind of scared, to be honest. For those of you who will read this, please keep me in your prayers. I need direction on a very large scale right now.

(Photo: Palm Trees in San Diego, California - taken on senior class trip.)

As well as trying to decide whether or not to change up my job situation, I am also undergoing some extensive searching in the major department. Along with that, I have been meeting with Nelle at the career center on campus to talk to her about different options and what would be required of me if I chose a different major at this point in time. School starts in three weeks and I don't know what I am doing. This is also beginning to scare me.

All of these things (as well as all the things I have to do before school begins at the end of the month) have been flitting in and out of my brain this day and I am exhausted from trying to sort it all out. I need a break. A good talk with a long friend might help me keep the right adjectives in front of my nouns. ;)

Well, this is short, but I need to go to sleep now. I haven't been sleeping very well lately, either. Goodnight to all of you and I will keep YOU in my prayers! :)