Photo: Flying into Portland, OR in November 2008.
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... I love attending orchestra and band concerts. At the beginning, when they are tuning, it sounds crazy, disjointed, awkward, and the most incredible reality hits you when the director holds his hands up, ordering attention, and all the instruments flow at various intervals in order to create music. I think that's the way life is and relationships. At the beginning, you have no idea what it will create, how it will come about; [as] you come closer and closer to starting the actual piece, you look the director in the eye [when the melody begins] and thank him for pulling something so disjointed together in a smooth stroke of meters, measures, octaves. ...
June 30, 2008
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Two days ago, I turned 20 years old. If that isn't crazy, I don't know what is. Two decades. That's ridiculous and somehow reassuring at the same time. Something has changed in me. I know it has. And it's happened while I have been at WWU. But, problem is, I don't know what has changed. I am still me, but I'm not. I'm still me, but I'm more. I find myself becoming more solid as the days pass. More grounded in who I am, but at the same time, less sure of where I am going. I want to rewind the tape and play back all the good things in my life. The reassurances that what I'm doing is right and perfect and good. Somehow, I don't think I will ever be treated as a child ever again. But...will someone hold me when I need to be close? Will someone cradle me when I need comfort? ... Will someone smile because I smile and laugh with me because I chuckle? ...
July 15, 2008
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Such is life a forbearance on the truth, as one clock speaks to another in attempt to gather forces and slow down.
A gentleman paces back and forth in the parlor, waiting for the object of his affection to show her pretty face. Gathering courage, his pace slows, confident she will arrive on time. Time, the infidel of space, the intruder on the happiness of many, and the faults of all.
Too quickly it leaves, so quickly it comes; the suddenness of its appearing takes one by surprise and moves her to step up to the plate in an attempt to swing again.
July 22, 2008
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... I miss Christine. I hung out with her last week and I miss her. I always enjoy hanging out/being/talking with her. She's just so...real. And we've been friends going on 3 years now. Honesty is so sweet to find in a friend - someone who laughs at you, but explains that they didn't mean to hurt you, but you're just being so ridiculously stupid, how could they not laugh, then hug you in the same consecutive seconds? ...
August 17, 2008
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There is a road I travel,
How far it goes, no one knows.
There is a speedbump -
I slow down and smell the roses.
There is a shudder in me,
And I stop to figure out what went wrong.
There's an increase in the speed limit;
I give it all I've got ~
I race to win the prize.
There is a face, a body, hands, eyes, emotion flooding,
And I struggle to push on the brake.
There is a look of peace -
As I slow way down -
and give them a chance to
make amends.
There is a road I travel;
I hope that soon, I will
have a companion to share
my journey with.
August 28, 2008
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Limbo.
What does it feel like to wait?
It's a tugging on your heart strings
when you cannot answer the call.
It's the warmth of a shower
you cannot feel because of the chill.
It's the nervous shudder you feel
when he asks and you do not know the answer.
It's wanting to be near him
but having to stand so far away.
It's needing to talk
but having to work on homework instead.
It's raising the bar
when you just reach the top.
It's knowing rain will come
without feeling the drops.
It's sucking in a deep breath
when all you need - a solid slumber.
It's waking up,
knowing who you were dreaming of,
knowing waiting is the only real answer there is.
October 14, 2008
________
I wish I could fly
On wings of the dawn -
Be taken to another place and time.
Where pain was gone
and love stood firm.
And surprises always made people happy.
I wish I could stay,
Right here, right now -
Sleepy, but content, in your arms.
Don't make me leave -
Don't make me go.
All I really want is to be here.
Right now.
With you.
Sleeping - tightly closing my eyes.
The bed bugs -
Won't harm me,
If you stay -
Stay with me.
November 2, 2008
________
So many ways to tell someone you care about them. But what about the ones who only respond with silence?
Silence - the deafening sound of someone screaming at you when no words will do.
Silence - the overwhelming power of glances in each other's direction.
Silence - remembering that there are no words to make the pain go away.
Silence - feeling comfortable with someone you know in and out.
Silence - waiting in anticipation for what will come next.
Silence - sitting in limbo, not knowing where to turn or even if turning is the best option.
Silence - wondering if what you did was right.
Silence - holding it all in, for fear of cracking and ultimately...breaking.
Silence - peace with the world and with yourself.
Silence - trying to subdue the happiness you feel behind the biggest smile when you look into his eyes and feel cherished.
November 4, 2008
________
So sad, so sedentary.
She sits in the cafe' - hands folded.
Hands clenched.
Released.
Tightened.
Loosened.
Limp.
So tired of holding it in.
Can't find the words to say...
And she smiles quietly to herself.
It doesn't make sense -
She never does.
Wanting to see him, if only for a
moment
is on her mind.
She thinks about him quite often,
but she also knows that he can't be
everywhere
at once.
"This is only for the birds," she says
quietly, folding her hands, clenching
them loosely, and waits for
him to show up -
waiting was never simple or
easy.
(But it's worth it.)
November 26, 2008
________
Photo: In my dorm room at WWU in December 2008.
